looks like my dreams of being owned by a boston terrier won’t come true.
a number of the uk breeders i contacted have gotten back to me, and told me that their puppies cost €1500, which equals approx. $2250 – quite a lot of money, considering i also have to pay for the puppy being shipped to sweden, and all *that* entails, which could very easily make the price of a boston puppy $3000.
my mom definitely won’t pay that much for a puppy, so right now it looks like i will have to give up on my bostie dream…
*CRY CRY CRY*
i also heard back from a breeder of white miniature schnauzers – the litter she was expecting this weekend turned out to be four boys and only *one* girl, and so that litter was not for me…
i get all choked up just writing about this, because i feel i’ve reached my limit when it comes to pawlessness…
next weekend, i will go and meet the nova scotia duck tolling retriever puppy.
i know i said in an earlier post that nova scotia duck tolling retrievers need to *work* several hours per day, so this would mean a TOTAL shift in my life.
but maybe, just maybe, this is *exactly* what i need…
i’ve always felt that there is an enormous amount of energy trapped inside of me – energy that is *now* channeled into *hate* and *anger* and *hopelessness*, and a bunch of other negative and destructive emotions, that only serve to drain me of energy.
without getting too personal or anything (this blog is supposed to be about *my dog*, after all), it’s like this:
there are a number of circumstances in my life that i wish so *badly* that i could change.
these cirumstances have left me (ie *i* have allowed *myself* to feel this way about them) feeling all of the negative emotions that i mentioned above.
these circumstances will never change (and i’m not just being negative and pessimistic now – you just *don’t* change the human anatomy, suffice it to say), and so hating and being angry will only get me a forehead drenched in blood, as i try to break through doors that will forever stay locked.
maybe this little fox-red furball has come into my life at this precise moment to give me a BIG hint that it’s time to let go?
to channel all that energy into something *positive*?
not so much “give up”, because *that*, too, is a negative feeling / action, but just ACCEPT.
and since dogs give back so much more than they take, i will get to experience what it’s like to actually get something *back* for all the energy i “invest”?
this puppy / dog is going to need lots and lots of exercise, and mental stimulation – something i wasn’t able to give totte during the last 2-3 years of his life, since i was absolutely *drained* of energy.
i’m not in very good *physical* shape either, and so right now going for hour-long walks in varied terrain would quite possible kill me / make me have a heart attack, but an eight-week old puppy can’t do that anyway, so my physical health would improve as she grows, and demands more and more physical activity.
the mental stimulation bit is no problem – i have all the time in the world for that kind of training, and it doesn’t require me being physically fit.
does this sound like i’m *just* trying to justify bringing the little cutie home in a month’s time?
will it mean a disaster later on in her life, when i one day have to admit to myself that i’ve let her down, and that she’s better off somewhere else – with someone who is able to be as active as she demands?
or does it sound like a HARD, but perfectly realistic plan, and that i will do right by her?
i’m so completely TORN right now…
i’m scared to death (yes, really) of what this will demand of me, but my heart whispers “she’s HERE – she’s REAL… those other dogs are just DREAMS…”, and my heart NEEDS some closure on this whole “puppygate” now, or the wound after totte might not ever heal…
this is not an easy post to write – my cheeks are completely covered in tears…
before all those negative circumstances that i mentioned earlier became factors in my life, i had faith in god (and i always used to spell that word / name with a capital g), but for the past three years i haven’t been able to pray or enter a church without having panic attacks (yes, really).
the trust just isn’t there anymore, and that is *way* worse than not believing in god.
i believe, but i don’t trust, and that is SCARY stuff: he’s *there*, possibly even *watching*, but he’s SILENT and doesn’t care.
(i know some of you who read this are thinking “if you feel like the distance between God and yourself has changed, make no mistake about *who* moved.” and other [empty] phrases, and if they help you, then it’s fine)
last night i reached for my bible, for the first time in YEARS, and i randomly selected a page.
what i read was this:
“My son, let tears fall down over the dead, and begin to lament,
as if thou hadst suffered great harm thyself; and then cover his body according to the custom,
and neglect not his burial.
Weep bitterly, and make great moan, and use lamentation, as he is worthy, and that a day or two,
lest thou be evil spoken of: and then comfort thyself for thy heaviness.
For of heaviness cometh death, and the heaviness of the heart breaketh strength.
In affliction also sorrow remaineth: and the life of the poor is the curse of the heart.
Take no heaviness to heart: drive it away, and member the last end.
Forget it not, for there is no turning again: thou shalt not do him good, but hurt thyself.
Remember my judgment: for thine also shall be so; yesterday for me, and to day for thee.
When the dead is at rest, let his remembrance rest; and be comforted for him, when his Spirit is departed from him.”
actually i don’t think this is about *totte*.
i think this is about those negative circumstances i was talking about.
LET IT GO.
and i think i’m finally ready to try and do that now.
and “sienna” will help me.
when she’s all grown up, she will look something like *this*: